ENTJ
by magicspacehole
Summary: One-shot. It's 2012. The Battle of New York has just ended. Before SHIELD can allow its newly acquired war criminal to leave Earth, a psychological evaluation is required. Tony Stark graciously accepts this challenge.


Bruce wandered into the kitchen to look for food and immediately regretted his decision. Tony sat at the long counter, talking to their newest house guest and top-security prisoner who was, to Bruce's great dismay, not currently rotting in a dank cell in the basement with rats chewing on his insides.

They seemed to be arguing, though Tony was enjoying it far too much.

"You're going to take it. Trust me, you'll want to take it."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "And why would I want to do that?"

"Curiosity. Mostly. Also it's a requirement for SHIELD. So either you take it with me, or you get stuck in a cell in some no-name facility out in the desert answering the same questions in handcuffs and a straight jacket."

"Wouldn't want that," said Bruce sarcastically. They both looked up, noticing him for the first time.

"Hello, monster," said the idiot prince.

"Hello monster," Bruce said back. Loki's eye twitch was highly satisfying. "Didn't you put a giant hole in the desert last time you were there?"

Loki grinned. "Yes. Almost as devastating, I think, as your temper tantrum in New York."

"…which was almost as devastating as _your_ temper tantrum in New York."

They stared each other down for a moment during which Tony pulled out a clipboard and slammed it on the counter. "ANYWAY," he said loudly, "this psych test is really accurate. Not only can it verify that you're insane, it can also tell us _how_ nutballs you are, so that we can act accordingly."

Bruce couldn't believe that SHIELD would make any prisoner, let alone Loki, take the Myers-Briggs. He suspected that this might be an indulgence of Tony's. He sure as hell wasn't going to stop it, though. He joined them at the counter with his coffee, intent on quietly observing the spectacle.

Tony read from the first page. "Okay, in the first part, I'll say a statement, and you rate it from one to five, one being that you completely disagree, and five being that you completely agree."

"That is ridiculous," Loki spat.

"Yeah but you're doing it anyway."

"One," said Loki.

Tony's eye was twitching now. "First question: I have a hard time relating to others."

The confusion on Loki's face was priceless. "That's not a question. And anyway, how would I know whether you have a hard time relating to others? Why would I care?"

Bruce snorted into his coffee and Tony shot him a scathing look.

"You're supposed to answer it in relation to yourself, dumbass. Let me try this again." He paused for a while, apparently trying to reword the question. "On a scale of one to five, one being you disagree strongly and five being you definitely agree, do you feel you have a hard time relating to others?"

A dramatic eyeroll from the prisoner. "Three, I suppose."

Success. Tony was emboldened. "Okay, one to five - how much do you agree with this statement: you prefer to act immediately instead of making careful decisions."

"Three."

"You often think about the complexity of life."

"Three."

"You believe that almost anything can be analyzed."

"Three."

"Okay, you can't just keep saying 'three.'"

"Why not?"

Bruce couldn't decide if Loki's or Tony's frustration was more entertaining.

"Forget it. Moving on. You easily empathize with the concerns of others."

It was too much. Bruce let out a loud laugh that made them both stare at him.

"Five," said Loki, not looking away from him.

"Yeah… right." Bruce was pretty sure the concerns of others never crossed this guy's mind.

Tony pushed on. "You always have a clear and detailed plan before you act."

"Four."

"The more people you speak to, the better you feel."

"Five."

Tony looked skeptical. "Really?"

"Yes," said Loki. "Humans are incredibly stupid. That makes me feel better about myself. So-"

"Yeah okay moving on."

It went on like this for twenty minutes, Tony desperately trying to rephrase the questions so that Loki's cynical alien mind could understand them, and Loki responding in the most annoying and sarcastic ways possible. From his answers someone might have thought he was a saint-a megalomaniacal saint, but still.

"Okay now I just have to tally it up," said Tony.

Bruce was holding his head up with his hand on the counter, watching them. All that was missing at that moment was popcorn. This was great. "I wonder what you'll be," he taunted Loki. "Tony, what's the one for psychotic dictators with daddy issues?"

Loki looked murderous.

"Huh." Tony was staring at the test sheet, looking extremely confused.

"What?" Bruce and Loki asked at the same time.

"Huh," he said again.

Bruce walked around the counter so that he could look over Tony's shoulder. Loki tried the same but was limited due to his being tied to the chair.

The bottom of the paper said "ENTJ."

"I tallied it like three times," Tony muttered.

"Maybe he was lying."

"No he wasn't," said Loki. "Why would he? He's got nothing to hide. Tell him what's so damn interesting, please."

Tony was extremely annoyed. "ENTJ," he said. "Same as me."

The amount of laughing Loki was doing at that moment would have pissed Bruce off had he not been trying very hard not to roll around on the floor himself. "Just a fluke," he said reassuringly, patting Tony on the back before returning to his coffee on the counter.

"SO." Loki's voice was mocking. "What _is_ it like to be a psychotic dictator with daddy issues, Mister Stark? Do tell."

"Shut up," Tony warned.

"Certifiably insane."

"I'm warning you."

" _Nutballs."_

Bruce snorted into his coffee again.


End file.
